


Sometimes I Crave The Abuse And I Can Only Crave What I've Eaten (Ryden )

by Ryanwaskneelinginthebathtub



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon represents my last somewhat romantic partner, Gabe represents one of my friends, Gabilliam is only talked about, M/M, Ryan Ross is me, Ryden, This is highkey completely based off of a relationship I had, dear god, if you do you're one of my buds, oh shit i really hope she doesn't know my account
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2019-02-12 08:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12955299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryanwaskneelinginthebathtub/pseuds/Ryanwaskneelinginthebathtub
Summary: Ryan Ross is a sad teenage boy who reflects on his last relationship with one of his friends on the weekends. The details of the relationship unfold over the span of the story as well as the many hardships and triumphs Ryan is experiencing.





	Sometimes I Crave The Abuse And I Can Only Crave What I've Eaten (Ryden )

It was late at night, too late at night and if the town wasn't so small Ryan and Gabe likely would've been reported to the police for suspicious activity. Gabe's eyes were cold compared to Ryan's which were just wet and in pain. They felt heavy in his sockets, he wanted to gouge them out with a stick. The two boys were around a lot of sticks too. Ryan could just lift one up and carve the ocular spheres from his burning skin. He could keep them in his pocket and take them out to scare people. Maybe he could hang them on his wall. Ryan was aware that displaying this amount of vulnerability was dangerous, especially around Gabe who was quizzically raising an eyebrow at him.  
"Are you okay?" Gabe asked. His tone signified that he was completely disinterested in the whole ordeal. It was uncomfortable and somewhat harsh. The three words were punctuated with an uncomfortable wobble. At the end of the sentence, he even scoffed. Though, the effort to seem concerned about his friend was apparent and Ryan had appreciated that.  
Ryan sniffled and laughed, he cleared his eyes of tears and smeared a messy streak of black eyeliner across his cheek and some transferred onto the side of his hand. Gabe patted him lightly on the shoulder and it had taken Ryan every ounce of self-control he had possessed not to wrap his friend into an embrace and let out every loud sob he had desired to. In that moment he wanted to be a child again and in that moment he realized that he really needed a therapist. He responded to his friend's question in a simple statement after a squeak. "No." His voice cracked and it was loud which had directly contrasted with the eery quietness ever-so-present in the later hours of the night. In fact, his word seemed to echo through town and bounce off of walls and Ryan felt as if he had just shared his secret with the entire town. No, he wasn't okay. He was nowhere close to okay.  
All Gabe did then was stare. His eyes were wide and he remained quiet, this was something Ryan was in no way used to. But, in the silence while the uncomfortable feeling was settling heavily in his shoulders, Ryan straightened his back almost perfectly for a few moments, he coughed, and then he blinked back tears. He walked briskly and quickly forward throughout the damp sidewalk. Gabe's eyes bugged out, which caused them to become almost disturbingly large and skittered behind Ryan in order to catch up to him. Ryan had started walking quicker and an angry edge developed in each movement. Every muscle in his body seemingly tensed each time he breathed. Though Gabe snapped him out of his anger riddled haze with a loud interruption of, "Ryan, what the fuck are you doing?"  
Ryan came to a halt and grounded his feet into the sidewalk. A shiny glaze took over eyes as he answered, stuttering, "I-I don't know." He went into a controlled fit of hyperventilation and slowly the anger faded away. In fact, in his glance to the ground, his head seemed to grow in weight he bowed it, his chin pressed to the top of his chest, he couldn't seem to lift it up. It was like the scene of a funeral but Ryan wasn't mourning a dead body. He was mourning something equally as dead. Not a living being but a concept. A label. A noun. A relationship. A few nights prior he had felt as if he had just been called and the voice on the other end had told him that his mother had died. His mother hadn't died but a part of himself most definitely did.  
"I've told you from the beginning, ever since I met you, I have told you. I warned you about him, Ryan. I did." Gabe said, taking on an oddly reassuring tone with his 'I told you so' statement. Just the tone of his voice caused Ryan to be moderately soothed despite the fact that in any other situation Ryan would be internally fuming about how that had nothing to do with his emotions. If Gabe wasn't the only person who was there for Ryan in his time of need Ryan would've been livid. But he smiled. Gabe wasn't emotional nor did he understand but at least he was there. He was available when Ryan was a sobbing mess with the intention of making him feel better.  
"I-I-I I know- I know. But I- I just wanted it to work. I did, really." Ryan's tears had soaked into his skin and flecks of rationale had impeded their way back into his system. His thoughts were getting less cloudy.  
"It wasn't going to, Ry. I knew that and you knew that too." Gabe said, a look of earnestness overtaking his eyes which coupled itself perfectly with a soothing tone. Ryan nodded and fully relaxed his shoulders. He felt as if he had given up, but he had one more response that would likely elicit a retort similar to the two others prior.  
"I had hope," Ryan said, obviously hopeless. He looked up at the stars and then his head was infiltrated with the remembrance that earlier that week he had realized everything he was taught in his childhood had been wrong. Hope didn't accomplish shit. It was only a motivation people had used to keep on going. But Ryan couldn't keep going, his hope had the desired effect but later the effect was completely adverse to what he had desired.  
"Hope is useless," Gabe stated, he stated it plainly with an added dash of monotony to lower the temperature about one-hundred degrees to the coldest level possible. In that moment Ryan realized just how classicly terrifying Gabe was. He stood out at night in a long black coat without a mind to the slight drizzle of the rain or the almost freezing temperature. His face was caked in makeup, a collection of cool toned greys and solid blacks. Ryan admired the other man's appearance and unapproachability of it all. He even had begun to get jealous with the thought that if he was an equivalent level of intimidating, he likely wouldn't have been approached by the person who was behind each word exchanged in the conversation that night. At least he wouldn't have been approached the day or year that he was, and thus none of what had happened would have happened. None of the highest points in his life would have happened but neither would the lowest. A sacrifice for a happier life.  
Ryan shook his head and planted his eyes at the ground, he kicked a rock and it pathetically tumbled across the sidewalk and onto the wet grass that was in front of a middle school that they had passed. Gabe looked at Ryan and asked, "Where do you want to eat?"  
Ryan shrugged and said, "The only place in town that's open."  
~*~  
There was a Burger King at the edge of town planted right by the highway which is presumably good for business and it was open until midnight. Ryan found the food at that particular fast food establishment to be repulsive in nature but his many nights spent with Gabe wandering the streets of their momentously miniature town had caused Ryan to be able to stomach it. He slowly trained himself to eat at Burger King. He began with a box of onion rings and one of the fries and slowly worked up the amount of food he had the ability to consume over the months.  
The establishment was quiet that night until Ryan and Gabe sauntered in with loud banter. A woman who had worked at the front counter rolled her eyes as the two boys ordered food, handing the woman a coupon for a family deal meant for four people. The woman raised an eyebrow likely contemplating why exactly two boys, (both of them technically in their teens but one of them being an adult in the eyes of the law) were eating for four people. Ryan assumed that the woman just ended her thoughts with a statement akin to 'boys will be boys'.  
Every time Ryan and Gabe found themselves at Burger King late at night they always sat in a cushy red booth in the back corner of the restaurant. Typically they were alone with the workers, the only other noises present were the sounds of their loud discussions combined with the quiet drone of Fox news playing on the television near the front of the restaurant. They both held brown trays, one of which was packed with wrapped food and the other one was only a half or a third of the way covered in food. They set the trays on the table and at directly across from each other.  
"My ex- William, was my first love," Gabe said and he swallowed nervously. "Tell me the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth, okay?" Ryan nodded and then made a hand gesture signifying for Gabe to continue. "Were you in love with Brendon?"  
A violent red blush found its way to the surface of Ryan's cheeks and for some reason, he grinned momentarily. His smile faltered quickly though. He looked down at the table and stated, "I don't- I don't want to talk about it, Gabe." He pulled his soda close to his face and took a long sip of his Dr. Pepper.  
"You were in love with him, weren't you?" Gabe asked. He stared directly at Ryan and he seemed to be attempting to bore holes into Ryan's flesh with his eyes. Under pressure, Ryan felt as if he was under an FBI interrogation. He nodded, he preferred not to prolong this uncomfortable experience. But after he nodded he tried to somehow lower his head even more than before. His face looked like the mixture of red Kool-Aid and conditioner he had used to dye his hair when he was twelve.  
Gabe tilted his head at Ryan like a curious dog and then asked, "Are you still in love with him."  
Ryan squeaked out a "Maybe." Then he continued staring at the table.


End file.
